With hope, we gamble through life.

Nothing is wrong in living ‘normally’; but what if you are born for the ‘extraordinary’?

        When I was a child, I was trained to be on stage. I was that kid who is always in competitions wearing different colourful costumes. Growing up I was told to work hard, to be the best and be successful. My mother was the biggest influence – she was my mentor. By being in the spotlight, I believe that I will always deserve a place where everyone would watch and admire me from afar. Indeed it lived through teenage years, but not for long. Reality hit me when I entered a prestigious science college, they say it’s where the ‘doctors engineers astronauts’ are born. Indeed most of my school mates did further their studies in those expected pathway. It has been said and they are living it – no harm done. Back then I did not shine as brightly as I used to, for the first time I was at the bottom of the social chain. Language was not appreciated as highly as science or mathematics subjects. Oh how I failed miserably in those, once I scored 6 out of 100%. I knew then that I don't belong in that nature. After receiving disappointed look from my father’s eyes during SPM result, I had only one thing in mind; I will further my studies in course that will keep me away from any science subjects.

TESL is not exactly something that I wanted the most, truth be told my choice were limited as I was not exposed to other potential courses. Therefore I took up foundation in this particular course in a local all Bumiputra university. It was easy being there; I did not receive much competition. It was a comfortable process since most of my allies were of the same ‘work principle’ as mine; we went extra files to be recognized by the lecturers. It paid off beautifully. At that moment I knew I was on the right track by looking at my result. Sure, there was a minor hiccup when my personal life started to mix with my study cocktail. Nevertheless it did not stop me from striving even more to maintain my own standard of work. You must realise that I am an Asian and it is normal that I take great pride in being the best. 

Came the day where I need to choose a university for my bachelor (undergraduate studies). I remembered clearly that I told myself I need to quit being in an all Bumiputra university; this can’t continue on. I had my reasons and I strongly believe in it. The second forked road I encountered; it was real than ever. Suddenly I don’t feel so sure anymore that I want to continue in the same course. Contemplating and rethinking the decision over and over again, I had to pick between English for Professional Communication and TESL.

2 years has gone by, I’m still learning how to become a teacher. Funny thing is, I am only good at learning it but not in practicing the theories. How is teaching even done? I acquire my second language. What are the struggles of learning it?  Never was in my life that I was trained to be proficient through grammar drills, I communicate my way to learning English (my mother is a primary English Language teacher). I doubted myself even more now that sooner or later I need to teach for 3 months. How do I teach those kids?

I have always had this dream of working in a place that allows me to meet a lot of people, present my ideas and work creatively. It will be a company where people can exploit their ideas – at the same time make plenty of money out of it. There, they can come to work wearing whatever reflects their individuality, you want to be fully covered or stark naked. It is really your choice as long as the creative juice keeps on flowing ! My principle is that, people should be allowed to be creative and be themselves (despite the traditional-society-rule-of-conduct). I can’t imagine having to work according to rigid rules and timing, I need to have my own time to reflect and produce innovative things. Through this job, well I would also be able to contribute back to society; I have several things in mind. 

This job should allow me to indulge in art (of any form)

Does any of this description reflect any kind of job? If you have anything in mind, do let me know because I need to get my focus set. Currently, I am suffering thinking that I need to conform to the expectation that has been laid on me – get a master certificate overseas, continue on to PhD and become a lecturer with a title attached at my name. Ta-daa! That’s what my family see me as in the future. How I dread strict regulations! I can’t do the same things over and over again or I will die of boredom. Deep inside, I celebrate the spirit of constant change and improvement. Yes, I do find thrill in the unknown and the curiosity that lies in uncertain futures.

I started thinking more about this after I attended a concert, G Dragon from Big Bang. I have always admired his spirit - being creative, expressive and    passionate. Through his music I see risk is something that needs to be taken frequently. It keeps you burning and alive! Then there was TaeYang (he performed in between set) – I read his book that when he started his career he was not so sure of becoming a singer or a rapper, he had doubts. However he held on to his 11-year-old-self-dream - to perform in huge domed stadiums. He took the chance and strive towards his dream of being an international artist. Look where his is right now. Rocking each concert like he owns it. 

That is the beauty in taking risk, good or bad you took the bet of leaping to the other side. What is to regret?

All that I know is to do well in my studies and take extra effort to make it no less than the best. Maybe I should start researching on the best material, prepare them earlier and test it out on my own brother (he is 17, and I will be teaching kids of the same age). 

I don’t care how much it will cost me to work towards realising my dream – just maybe I will be my own boss? Hope is something that holds you together; there is an outcome that you can look forward to even if it is hazy like Kuala Lumpur in June.

Nobody is sure but the finishing line is there, you just need to push the gate open and don’t ever look back (at your doubts). I am scared, yes. Will this gamble bring me big bucks or will I end up failing? Even so, I need to do this. Whatever happens, I have made the attempts to change the course of my future. I have faith that God will guide me through. 

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